C.D.R '84-'07

Today, May 20th 2013 marks the 6th year since I lost a dear best friend to a sudden death. The friendship, he and I shared even beyond dating, inseparable friends was a bond I will forever treasure. I now know I had to loose him to continue on with my life. I always hung on to hope that since we could be such great friends, one day, when we were older, we could create a life together, but at the time I knew he had some wild young days in him that he wanted to live out, so friends we were. I stood beside him thru all. I suffered along with his family when he decided to go missing for 6 or more months. I was the first call home he made. He knew, I would be there no matter what. He knew I loved him dearly. After this adventure in his life, he was changed. He didn’t seem to want the wild life any more. But it was a little too late for “us”. I had started dating Joey. Joey knew how deep my connection with Cody was. He has always supported my love for him. He has never been jealous of it, more like he respected it. 2 months into mine and Joeys relationship, Cody passed away in his sleep. It was a big day for me, 5:15am flight to New York City, it was going to be an amazing week, seeing the sights I have always wanted to see in my life, while on a business trip with a gravy job that had lots of potential. Mid day, I am on a bus ride to the theatre that I was working at, I look at my phone, 13 missed calls. “Codys home” “Codys Sister”… over and over again…. I knew, something was wrong, though it never once crossed my mind that I had lost my best friend. For a good hour or more I had to put on a smile, while I was crying inside, I wanted to go make a quick call to see what was going on. But I couldn’t. Then I get a bathroom break… I listen to the voicemail… upset, frantic, pleading voice, asking me to call immediately. Ill never forget her tone, Ill never forget the sadness in her voice. Finally at the lunch break, I called. Cody was found early morning, on his sofa in his room, in the same place he fell asleep in. My best friend, gone. The one person who I always knew I loved with all of my heart, who could make me laugh, smile and cry all at once. Without hesitation, I tell my boss that night after we got back to the hotel, I was catching the first flight home. I knew me, I knew if I didn’t attend his funeral, I would have no closure to this. I had to see him, one last time… I was warned, it may would cost me my job. It wasn’t immediate family…. It wasn’t an excusable excuse. But I didn’t care, Id take that chance, he may not be family, but he was the closest person to me.

 

As I am standing there over him, a swarm of emotions run thru me. I wanna jump on top of him like I used to when I would go to his house and he was still sleeping and I was up and ready to start our adventurous days…. Even though I knew it was him, obviously him, I wanted to check his right ankle where my initials lay… I wanted to look at his left arm and see the “CODY” tattoo I always made fun of him about…. I wanted those lips to touch mine, I wanted his arms around me…. Just one last time. I never once, though I would lose him like I had. I knew one day I was going to have to walk away from him to be able to move on into any other serious relationship, but with that scenario, I knew if I ever needed a laugh, I could call him up…. In this scenario, I cant. He is right in front of me and the last thing I can do is laugh. I knew immediately… this is the only thing that could make me really move on, the only thing to make me know, he was not an option later on.

When I think of Cody, I think of The beatles... He was a huge fan. He wld tell me that "In my life" was his song to me.... I never cared to attempt to understand why he felt the need to dedicate those lyrics to me, until after it was too late.... Though we went thru lost, I never had any doubt that in his life, he wld love me more.
 Since then, I have picked up the phone, thinking I would see a text from Cody, or dialed his number wishing he would answer and it was all a dream. I see his little brother, and I swear its really him…. Never looked like him before, but now, He is a spitting image of him.
He always thought Joey was a cool guy, he “approved” of us dating. Sometimes I imagine him at get togethers with my family and him rough housing with our boys, I know he would love them, and if he were here, he would be a part of their lives. But he is isn’t, and he lives thru me. I see random things, like shooting stars, and I know its him saying Hi. He is watching over me, over us.
I miss his family, I have ran into his parents once, it was in the last year… Goodness, I cant explain how it felt to see them. I hope they never had to doubt that I loved their son, I actually know they didn’t. I have always wondered how it looked though, that I could not even stop by after his passing. Its been 6 years, I haven’t even driven past the driveway. I couldn’t. I never could. I have things that I want to give her… but I can not make myself step foot in that yard…. Until today. I want to. I need to, but I dont know how to.... But I know I can and that I need to.

Sorry if this wasnt a blog you were hoping for... But its something I know I needed to blog out of me. If I hadnt blogged about it, I would have tried to "eat" at it... And thats why our bad habits stem... Always "eating at" something thats bothering you... At some point you just need to face it all.

As far as my surgery goes, I am 4 1/2 months out, lost roughly 90-95 lbs, and I feel fantastic. I was given clothes this past weekend, as I went thru them I set aside most saying itll be another month or more til they wld fit. Well this morning, I was desperate, tried some on and I fit into a size I never ever ever imagined Id see again!! With no shame in my game... I started at a TIGHT 24, 18's are loose right now and 16's fit, not tight but not loose... Omg!!!

Good night all :)