Going into 2013, I was scared. I had recently made a decision to go through with WLS in order to attempt to get my liver to a healthy state. I was one week into a two week liquid diet. It was super hard, my mind got the best of it all. I strayed off of the liquid diet, but I didn't give it up on. Come January 9th, I finished the liquid pre-op diet, it was time for Surgery. With my rock beside, we arrived at the hospital, I must have cried, laughed enough, I was just quiet. Anxious but quiet. What if's were constantly going through my head. "What if it doesn't make me healthy again?" "What if I fail, I mean I hadn't done exactly the best on my two week liquid diet." Being as I was always comfortable in my own skin, one of the things that I was really scared of, is what if I don't like myself as "skinny"?? I could not imagine not liking myself, at the time, I may not have been perfect, but I was happy with me, and to me that brought confidence. A confidence in who I was and I didn't want to chance losing that.
A few weeks prior the doctor had asked me what was my goal weight. I had no clue. I through out a number, really thinking it was out of reach. 150. One hundred and fifty pounds.... have I ever weighed that? I have no clue, I was probably 9. (I'm joking but I could have been?? I have no clue) I know before I had Nicholas I was 240 ish. I didn't gain with my pregnancy, but life after becoming a mom and wife, the weight came on. when Braxton came along I was in the 280's. By May 2012 I was over 300 pounds. How does it happen? How could I have been so happy with myself? Was I living a lie? Was I forcing a smile? I can not say that I was... I really feel as if I was truly happy with myself. I was not a fake. Once someone asked me what size of clothes I want to be... my number was 14. I just knew I hadn't been a 14 since early high school and that number sounded realistic to go with my 150 pounds goal. (though now I know that 14 and 150 pounds aren't the same... at least not on my body)
Post op went smooth for me. I have heard horror stories and was well prepared to adventure down my own horror story. It wasn't that bad. I had times where I vomited a lot. I had to get 4 upper endoscopes done where they have to stretch the opening to my new pouch 3 or the 4th times. After the fourth one, the doctor told me he thought it was in my head at that point. He said many people who have this for so long like I did (3-4 months) eventually subconsciously THINK they are going to get sick and so they do. So I attempted to relax, to thing good thoughts, things will work out. I am not going to have a horror story of this surgery. And so things began to turn around. I haven't had those symptoms since. I had it in my head that things were going well and they have been. As of today, I still get spells of nausea, but it could very well be the fact that I do not take my vitamins. Going into this I knew I had signed up for a lifetime of taking vitamins. I have to. Its a must. Most complications post op stem from not taking the vitamins. I have to start taking them. I am already (was before surgery) B1 deficient. I am now even lower. This should scare me into taking them. But every time I have tried to get on a regimen of taking them, they make me ill feeling. I will work in the next couple of weeks to get these vitamins in me. I must. Or else I will run into the horror story I've been scared of all along.
As the weight started to drop throughout the year, my everything started changing. I felt better, like energy. I never knew I could feel this good... heck, I never knew I didn't feel this good. I knew I was tired alot, but I hardly slept good, I am a fulltime working mother of 2 and we all live a very busy life, who isnt tired, right? Well now, I am not. I have the energy to get up and go do whatever most of the time now. I can run with my boys, I can quickly respond into action if need be. I am loving this new life.
As far as the number one feat I had... what if I wouldn't like the "skinny" me? I do. Though I am ready for the weightloss to level out... as it is still falling off. I wouldn't even mind gaining a little bit, though I will never purposely do that, I don't think. I like where I am though. I can go into a store and it not be aimed at people of a heavier weight. I can actually create my own style and not be limited to what is sold in my size. I can fit into tight booths, easily now. I don't fear that the rollercoaster seat is going to fail me due to my size. I would LOVE to see how a seat on an airplane is for me right now! I can tie my own shoes without getting in weird positions and breathing heavily. I can wear shoes.... I used to not be able to, something about my feet in a show would driver me wild. I never could find a shoe that fit good I thought... but really, I think it was cause my excess weight was making my feel swell, and so therefore, shoes were not a comfy thing. I can drive with my whole foot on the pedal, as before I had to sit away from the steering wheel, so I couldn't.
If I havent said it already, I am loving this new life. I am thankful for the chance.
For those who like numbers, instead some of my non scale victories listed above. When I found out about my live in Many 2012, I was 302; October 2012 when I decided to go thru with the surgery I was 294. This morning, almost one year out, I was 142 (on my monthly cycle, I must add). I have lost at the least 150 pounds. I am below that number that sounded so outrageous that I gave my doctor when he asked for an ideal weight. I started in a TIGHT 24, I currently am in an 8 loosely, a 6 comfortably. How many sizes of clothes is that? depending on how you count clothes size, singly its atleast 16 single digit clothes sizes or 8 counting by 2's. Insane. I never imagined I would wear a 12, much less a 10, an 8 or even a 6???? Remember I did state I would not mind gaining weight at this point. I wish it would level out. I am not sure I like being a 6 but its far better than a 24.
This week my year post op has arrived. My "Surgivesary" as people in the WLS world call it... I plan to hopefully make a slideshow about it sometime this week! I am proud of how far I have come. I have some things to correct, to make perfect, but I will get there.
Now, a year later, going into 2014, I am excited. I do not create new Years resolutions. With that being said, I have many GOALS for 2014. 2013 was one of the best years of my life. I hope that 2014 is up in the same category!
Thank you for all of the support!!
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